Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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