Why is your signature on my underwear?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
