I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
