What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
