i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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