Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
