There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
