if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
