you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
