Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
