So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
