Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
