we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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