12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize