i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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