Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
