just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
