I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
