This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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