ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
