Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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