i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
