"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
