respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
