I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
