i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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