Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
