last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
