Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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