just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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