if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
