My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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