I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
