so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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