so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
