Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
