I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize