Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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