you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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