Come see our sink grown plant.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize