am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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