hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
