mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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