I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
