If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
