i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
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