i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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