jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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