somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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