My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize