Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
