Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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