apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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