He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize