Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
