After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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