god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
