"it" just moved
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i've created a new STD.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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