I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
