Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
