He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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