and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
